SeanSumner.blog

 

As I walked out on the porch this morning I was greeted by cold winds and warm sunshine. As I went to sit in my chair I realize that I did not wear a jacket. I knew it was going to be cold the morning and still I forgot my jacket. Why did I do that? I think in this case I forgot. I got into my normal routine without thinking about the change in the morning temperature. This got me to thinking about some of the things I’ve done and I wondered -why did I do that?

I think that a lot of the things that I’ve done could be classified under the “why did I do that category”. For example, why am I so concerned about the way I look when I go out to the store? Or why do I make sure to kiss my wife every time before I leave? As to the first question I worry about what people might think about me because of how I dress. I guess I’m insecure about my choices when it comes to dressing properly when I go into the public. I know my wife will point out some of the odd things I put on when I’m ready to go somewhere. Or when I used to work, my assistant was also point out some obvious wardroom oddities. So after a while, even though both these people have my best interest in mind, I wondered about my choices and become insecure. As to the second question I want to make sure my wife knows that I love her. I know that when I used to teach or give a speech I would begin to worry about my performance and again feel insecure. I’ve never considered myself to have a weak personality or a week will, but there are some things that bring an insecure feeling to me. I don’t think that I doubt myself more than I feel secure. Those insecure feelings have made me do some things I still wonder about to day.

For example, I believe that I have a strong personality and very clear opinions about life, happiness and family. Unfortunately, I have been divorced twice. Both times my children from each of the marriages lived with her mothers and not with me. I was able to visit my children every other weekend and they would stay with me for several weeks during the summer and Christmas school breaks. I never missed child-support payment or the opportunity to see my children on unscheduled dates. I worked hard to let my children know that I love them. I thought then that I was a good father. But as the children grew on into adulthood I found myself wondering if I was a good father. Is their memory of me, for that time in their life, a good memory? Did they then and do they now think that I was a good father? What brings that on this insecurity? They have done nothing to indicate that I was not a good father, but my insecurity about divorce and not being in their life all the time still haunts me today.

I also am haunted by insecurity when it comes to what my mom and dad thought of me. My mom and dad are no longer with us. But during the time that I grew up my family, they were not the kind of family that express their feelings very easily. And so as they are both gone, I found myself wondering what they thought of me. It’s crazy because they were never negative when talking to me or did I ever hear from another source that they were not proud of me. But I still wonder.

I think insecurity has played a large part in my life. Maybe this is why I strive so hard to get different certifications and degrees. I got my associates arts degree and bachelor degree while working full-time and raising my family. It did not make any difference at my work as to whether I had a degree or not. But it was my way of showing others that I had worth. I wanted to be proud of myself, I want my family be proud of me and I wonder others to be proud of me. So I thought that getting different degrees would accomplish this. I even went back to college when I was 55 and got a master’s degree. This did not to get me a promotion at work nor did it secure my job. It was another effort by me to show my worth. One would think by the time I was 55 years old I would be incredibly secure. But I found myself with the lingering feeling of insecurity even then. And now that I’m 66 and not working, I again fight the insecurity of what people would think of me. I don’t have a job. My mirror reminds me that I am aging and not so gracefully.

That brings me to the insecurity of what my wife thinks of me. She is always been a supporter and constantly reminds me that she loves me and she is proud of me. But when I look in the mirror or step on a scale my insecurity makes me start to wonder if she still proud of me and that she still want me. There’s no reason or rhyme to why this feeling of insecurity continues to happen in my life. I do not think that it drives all my actions or defines who I am. Maybe it’s a good thing to feel insecure and then. I know it is driven me to constantly try to improve myself. I make sure that my children and their children know that I am proud of them and I love them. I make sure that my wife knows that I love her and that I’m proud of her. I am conscious of how I look and so even in this “retirement” phase of my life I remind myself to do small things, like shave in the morning put on clean close every day. I think it is easy when you’re not working and at home all the time, to forget how to keep yourself looking good for those around you. I continue to work on projects for my own personal reasons but I’m quick to show them off to my family and effort to make sure that they are still proud of me. Do not mistake this blog as my getting weak or to get attention. I am fine and feeling good. This is just another thought to examine.

So today’s thought is about insecurity. I think that it is both a good thing and a bad thing. So when you read this blog look at your own life. I think you’ll find moments or phases of your life that insecurity affected you. I know that one of the reasons that I’ve taken to writing a blog is to help me face my insecurities and then go on in life and be happy. I’m lucky that I’m supporting this effort by my wife and children.

Pops

 

As I walked out on the porch this morning, I was greeted by another beautiful day. The sun was rising in the East and the songbirds were busy eating the bird food that I supply that was hanging on a nearby tree. I watch the birds fighting over the seed in the feeder. And it appears that eventually once the big birds, Cardinals, leave the feeder the little birds came back and took it over.

My morning routine includes watching the news on two different channels. In the last few days one of the stories has been about Falluja Iraq. The Taliban seems to have claimed that city and now recent veterans are feeling the pain of losing a city they fought so hard to keep out of the Taliban’s hands. The question on the news program was that was asked of the veteran was, ”Was it worth it”? Each of the veterans that were interviewed seemed to struggle with their answers. The best answer that I heard was that,” anytime a man fights for another man’s freedom it has to be worth”. This question that is now haunting our recent veterans is the same question that has haunted past veterans for decades.

Veterans of World War II suffered the same consequences of wars the current veterans suffer. But World War II was a different kind of war. It had front lines, a recognizable location that placed the enemy on one side and our soldiers on the other side. Our World War II veterans went overseas and were welcomed by the citizens of many of the countries they fought in. During World War II the enemy was fairly easy to recognize. There seem to be certain rules of war that everyone followed. They wore uniforms where certain insignias gave you an indication of which side they were on. Even though our World War II veterans fought in foreign countries and they felt like liberators.

Then there was the Korean War. This this war also had a line. And by your position on the line you were on or the uniform worn, one could usually know if the person was friend or foe. Our Korean War veterans did not receive the same kind of welcome that our World War II veterans did when they came home. I think this is the first time that the good guys did not win. In World War II you could see where the troops started and fought and won those battles. In Korea the end result was a line that divided the country. It did not seem like there was any battle that was won which resulted in South Korea’s triumph over North Korea. It was a stalemate; both still exist with the line dividing the country. I think this is the first time that the question for the Korean War veterans was.” Was it worth it”.

Although there were other campaigns after the Korean War the next big event was the Vietnam War. I am a veteran of that war. Just the thought of going to war during that time was not a popular position. We did not have enough soldiers and so the government reinstated the draft. What a horrible way to get your citizens into the Armed Forces to fight a war. In World War II, after the bombing of Pearl Harbor, there were lines of men and women ready to serve their country. By the time the Vietnam War was upon us, it was originally called a policing action, the population was tired of war. But the people that were in government mostly grew up with World War I and World War II in their history. They were proud of the United States for its actions abroad. So with little effort those people in power decided to send our soldiers overseas again. They were not the ones dodging bullets are getting sick with fever. And so with the noble ideal of saving the world again we went to war. I’ve mentioned before about how I was greeted when I got back from the war. It was not good. It was hard enough just to decide to serve in the armed forces during that time with all the antiwar sentiment. In my mind we were the good guys again going out to save the world. It did not occur to me at that time that maybe those people that we were go to save did not really want us there. In my mind, who wouldn’t want us there; we are the United States of America the greatest people that ever lived. And with images of John Wayne and the many movies that I’ve seen before going to war, I want to save the world. During the years that I was in school we were only taught about war by review of such wars like World War I and World War II. We won those wars. At least that is how I viewed it.

Some decades later as I look back at the Vietnam War I asked myself, ”Was it worth it”. I think that the answer that the young man gave on television today;” any time a man fights for another man’s freedom it has to be worth it” is correct. So on a grand scale was the war worth it? No, the areas that we fought for fell into the hands of our so-called enemy. Of course the people I call the enemy were the natives of the country. It was their country and they were fighting to keep a foreign power out of their lives. I know of a South Vietnamese soldier who now lives in America feels lost because of fighting for the South Vietnamese side. He aligned himself with United States Army. The U.S. left him and his family alone to face the wrath of the conquering North Vietnamese army. He felt that the Americans abandoned him and his country and his people. I cannot disagree with him. If you look on the larger scale that war was not worth the loss of the many lives and the pain of the many families it affected. So I have to look at it in a more personal view. I still believe that I fought to keep the South Vietnamese families from the North Vietnamese Communist. And on an individual level I fought for another man’s freedom. My generations of veterans have felt the pain and the questions that are now being addressed by Iraqi veterans. My youngest son is an Iraqi veteran. We both find it hard to talk about each of our wartime experiences. Those questions seem to attack our very souls. So I have to believe, as I do, that I fought for another man’s freedom and that fight is always worth it.

 

So I say to those veterans, look inside yourself and find the real reason that you put yourself in jeopardy. It is one of the noblest reasons you’ll find. You fought for another man’s freedom.

Pops

 

As I walked out on the porch this morning I was greeted by warm weather and sunshine, yeah! I was enjoying my coffee as I looked over to the storage shed that is now becoming a chicken coup.

And before I get into the chicken coup adventure, I reflect back to the use of the word chicken. It is amazing the power of that single word. I will bet that most of you remember when you were growing up and someone would use the word chicken to make you do some pretty crazy things. In grade school you were a chicken if you were afraid to do something that was requested by your friends. Even mom and dad would ask you if you are chicken or afraid when you went to the school to get your shots. And as you went into your teens the word chicken really had some weight. Your friends and your adversaries all use the word chicken to get you to do what they wanted. I know that I started diving off the 10 meter platform because the swimming coach asked me if I wanted to compete at that height or was I chicken? Well, when someone use the word chicken I normally would respond by performing whatever act or deed that was requested. The word chicken was used to get me to kiss a girl. My friend asked if I was chicken if I did not kiss a girl. Me, chicken, I don’t think so. That was the first time I was slapped and call weird. Later in my teens I would do some crazy things while driving my car including the game called chicken on the road. You know, two cars head towards each other in the same lane and the first one to pull out of the lane rather than collide with the other vehicle, was chicken. Unfortunately that same word is used to get young people to: smoke, drink alcohol and used drugs. Especially when you were 18 years old or older and on a college campus, the word chicken was powerful enough to get you to do almost anything. Even in your adult years, as you went on to experience new things, someone somewhere would use the word chicken to get you to do something you may regret later. I do not know what the history is that made the word chicken so powerful. All I know is that in my life I have done some pretty stupid things in response to being called a chicken. Maybe the word chicken became a standard word when people went to a farm or to a petting zoo or in some neighborhoods a backyard, and watch the chickens to respond when they walked towards the chicken. They scatter and  they ran away. It is rare to find a chicken that will stand his/ her ground and fight. Although if you were around the chickens very long you would run into the rooster and he would be the first time you may have run away – chicken. I imagine that the word chicken still receives a strong response when used today.

As you got older chicken represented a meal. And the older you were and the in the fatter you became the word chicken started representing most of your meals. You might get chicken fingers or chicken nuggets. When you use the word chicken it now represented something to eat. And if you live in a city all you had to do is go to the store to get chicken. Of course in the store the chickens have already been prepared so that you could take them home, cook them up and eat them. The word chicken no longer had the effect it did as a child or teenager. Now the biggest decision about chicken is how to cook it. And as I got older I found that chicken usually was cooked on my barbecue. So much so that when you go to a county fair or a food cook-off, chicken is one of the categories that is judged for prizes. If you are an investor in the stock market companies like, Popeye’s, Col. Sanders and Churches are possible chicken companies to be invested in. Even hamburger places began to serve chicken.

After moving from the city to the country I found myself living in an area that produces a lot of chickens. Pilgrim’s Pride is a local company and so the word chicken around here is a positive word for the economy. Because of the chicken there are jobs and with the jobs there is money to spend on all kinds of items. My brother-in-law who lives in California has a cousin who lives a few miles from me in the countryside of Texas. My wife and I call his cousins our cousins, even though they’re not directly related to us. These Texas cousins made a good living and a great lifestyle at raising thousands of chickens for the local chicken company. That brings me to the last few days.

I have not written any blogs because I received a visit from my oldest son and his family. The reason for their visit was because of a phone call about a few days earlier. My wife has decided that she wants chickens on the land so that we can mean more eggs. Due to some health issues, eggs seem to be a good source of food for us now. So about a week ago, she called my son and his wife to ask about raising chickens. Like most things, both she and I went on to the Internet to find out what we could about raising chickens. Well after a short time we both realized we need to talk to somebody who has raised chickens. We thought of our Texas cousins, but we only wanted to raise a few chickens for their eggs. So we called my son and his wife. As soon as they heard that we were thinking about building a chicken coop and raising chickens, they became as excited as my wife and decided to make the four-hour trip to our house to discuss how to build a chicken coup and raised chickens. Once they arrived we visited and watch some NFL playoff football on the first day. On the second day a list was compiled of things that we needed to build a chicken group. My son, my grandson and I headed off to Home Depot for the building materials. This was one of the first projects that my wife did not require me to stay within a certain budget. She was so excited about it she said, “Just get what we need”. So I had great fun at Home Depot going from aisle to aisle picking out the material needed as my son and grandson loaded up the materials on the cart. Although I was nervous when I got to the register to check out I became a little relieved when I got the total cost. It was not as much as I thought it would be. I will have to go back for some items to finish the project. Another benefit of having my son and grandson with me was that they loaded the material into the back of the truck and when we got home and they unloaded the material from the back of the truck.

The next big decision was exactly where we were going to put the chicken coop. And after some discussion among all the family members, the small storage shed seem to be the logical choice. So with the help of the family, the storage shed was cleared out and then the decision was made to use one side of the shed for the chicken coop area. By this time it was getting late and so all we completed, on that day, was framing inside the shed for the coop. But the excitement of building the chicken coop did not diminish with my wife or my daughter-in-law. They were busy looking at all the different breeds of chicken and where the chicks might be purchased. The next morning, my son and his family started the four hour trip back to their house. I continued working on the chicken coup. It took most of the day for me to complete 15 nesting areas in the coop for the chickens. My wife was concerned about the design and the height of the coop and so once again we contacted my son and his wife and had a long conversation about how I should redesign or rethink the design for the coop.

Who would’ve thought that there would be so much excitement about chickens? Now the word chicken meant, spending money, spending time on construction and beginning the process of selecting the chickens. So now the word chicken means a completely different thing to me than it did as a child or teenager. So I begin this adventure in my life of; building a chicken coop, buying chickens and hopefully collecting eggs.

So the thought of this blog is the word “chicken”. What it mean to you and what did it mean to you? I think you’ll find it interesting to review the word chicken on how played a part in your life.

Pops

 

 

As I walked out onto the front porch today I was once again greeted by subfreezing temperatures. So once again I turned around and walked back into the warm house. I knew this was going to be another day of basically staying inside the house, so I went to reading the news on the computer.

I was reading the Yahoo News and came across that article about a woman who had just won to grand prizes on a slot machine in Mississippi. That got me to thinking about what I was going to do today and how I enjoy going to a casino. I walked into the living room and asked my wife to look at the article. It did not take long before she asked me why I wanted her to look at that article. I said let’s go to the casino for a few hours today. There was no argument from my wife, she loves to go to the casino too.

Why the casino? I did not always like going to a casino or gambling at all. I could not get myself to let go of the money that I have saved. There is a part of me that thought of any loss of money also meant that I would not be able to buy things that I wanted. For me, I like to get into a project and work on it, complete it and go to the next project. The only problem with that is that I do that alone, not with my wife. I completely submerge myself in the project. So through the years I would be grudgingly go to Las Vegas with my wife and suffer through the process of watching her play the slot machines. Of course she would invite me to play and if I did so I convinced myself that I would not have fun.

One of the things that Las Vegas has besides the obvious gambling is a beautiful display of the many themes of life. The buildings are unbelievable as to their architecture and their appearance. And if you’re person that likes to watch people there is no better place to go. I think it is because my very first visit to Las Vegas was on a business trip. I stayed in the old downtown area. The casinos is there have low ceilings that capture all the smoke from the smokers. And outside the casinos are a group of people who truly have a problem with gambling. They fill the walkways that surround the casinos and if they can afford it, or even if they cannot afford it, they go inside the casinos. They smell and they do not care how they look. As a policeman they were someone you cannot relax around. It was not until some years later that I got to go to the Las Vegas strip and I stayed one of the older casinos on the strip. The ceilings were little higher, but the smoke still seemed thick and that bothered me as a non-smoker. The people on the poker tables and around the crap table all seem like they were professionals and were very serious about their gambling. That made it a little intimidating to want to sit at a table. I had to worry about making an obvious wrong play that affected the whole table. The crap table seemed so crazy and loud that I felt I was not in control of any part of the game and so I was not willing to play the game.

After my retirement I moved away from California and therefore did not go to Las Vegas anymore. The casinos that I then went to were smaller but cleaner. As the years went by I found myself enjoying going to the casino. The very first casinos were in Louisiana. They were designed like old paddleboat and usually consisted of three stories of slot machine and gambling tables. Once again I found the smoke in the places a bit much to handle. That all changed when I went to La’Auberge casino in Lake Charles Louisiana. It was open with high ceilings and its interior was brighter than most casinos I’d been to. Most of the casinos seem to be dark. So smoke was not an issue there and when I looked around the people gambling seem to me less like professionals and more likely we would meet in town. When in Las Vegas I always worried about my security outside the casino. In Lake Charles I do not feel that way. There is no real street life outside the casino and the presence of security inside the casino is very obvious. The casinos brought in; city folk, small town people, farmers, truckers, moms and it seems a lot of grandmas. Many of the newly constructed casinos have a refreshment stand inside. Why is that important, well instead of waiting for a cocktail waitress to come around and ask if you want something to drink, you can walk up to the machine and get your coffee or soda. The new casinos seem to be kept very clean. It is been my experience that most men’s bathrooms smell and seemed to be dirty most the time. In the new casinos the restrooms seem to be clean and well kept. The employees of the casino especially the security seem open, friendly and glad you were there.

The biggest hurdle for me was of course the money. And it wasn’t until last year when I won a large amount of money that I began to relax about the money that I had lost. So I enjoyed the environment. I still like to people watch. But I can feel relaxed in doing so in the new casinos. One the new casino is called Margaritaville and is one of my favorites. All the machines and gambling tables are on one floor which is surrounded by glass wall that exposes all the shops and restaurants around it. It is at the end of a roll of shops and shopping center, I especially like the fact that his next to the casino is a Bass Pro Shop.

So I began to join my wife sitting at the slot machines. The slot machine requires no mental exercise on my part. Rather there is the entertainment of the lights and sounds of the machine. I also enjoy spending the night in a nice hotel room, which I found out was compensated for or free based on the amount to gambling that my wife and I did. And obviously we’ve done enough to get a free room. The restaurants are clean and the food really tastes great. The money that is spent comes from a special fund that is dedicated just for gambling. In the last couple years my wife and I have won enough to keep us gambling on the casino’s money up until December of this year. We would dedicate a certain amount of money for the casino and we did not go into any other funds. So if it is not a question of money the enjoyment I get out of the environment of the casino is like taking a small vacation for me. I know it cost money but I get my money’s worth by going to the casino. Surprisingly, last year I was able to win enough to almost break even for all the cost.

This last trip to the casino was an effort to get through a very cold and dismal day at the house. Luckily I do not have to drive far to get to casino in Oklahoma. And each time I’m there I’m amazed about the varieties of people have decided to do the same thing as me, go gambling. If I ever wondered what grandmas and great grandma’s did for fun I would guess now that part of their fun includes a casino. It is one of those places that I do not feel out of place due to my age. I’m even taken back by the number of sickly looking seniors carrying their oxygen bottles were being pushed by a relative down the aisles to gamble.

Of course the excitement of winning really pumps an old man up. If your prize is big enough the casino employees come to you with paperwork to fill out so that Uncle Sam gets his share of the winnings. It is almost like being a celebrity for short period of time when that happens. Unlike a cruise or plane trip to an exotic island, I can stop gambling and go home anytime. I do not like losing the money, but I sure enjoy the trip. It is something I can do with my wife. We both seem to enjoy the moment and each other’s company at the end of an exciting day. Once I went to a casino alone during a business trip to Oklahoma, I will not do that again. There really is no fun without sharing the experience with someone else. Someone who can get excited when you win and console you when you lose. I am not a big gambler and usually start at the penny machines and if I’m doing well I go to the dollar machines. I’ve never played in the high-stakes portion of the casino. It is not a goal of mine anyway. My goal is to enjoy my time on this earth whether it is for a few hours or a few days. And one of the ways I do this is by going with my wife to a casino to do a little gambling, stay in a nice room and eat some good food.

I could’ve not of done this as a young man while raising a family. But now that I’m can control of my budget and can find some time to enjoy the dayby going to the casino. It is one of things I choose to do.

Pops

 

As I walked out on my front porch this morning I was greeted by bright sunlight and 19°F temperature. I took the time to smile at the sun and gaze at the long shadows produced by the many trees on the ground. I then quickly turned around and went back into the house and started my daily routine.

My routine during the cold weather is to first get the living room fire started. I have wood stacked outside on the back porch and so I quickly get those pieces that I think will catch on fire most quickly and take them inside the house. I then turn on my coffee maker and grab the Pop Tart out of the cabinet to place it into the toaster. I stacked the wood inside the fireplace and start the fire, hopefully on the first try. I then go back to the blog room and turn on the electric fireplace, pet the two large dogs and turn on the blog room TV. I then go back to the kitchen get myself a cup of coffee and grab my Pop Tart. I go to the blog room again to be greeted by the two large dogs; they seem to be filled with great excitement every morning. After taking the time to pet the dogs so they will calm down I sit in my easy chair and grabbed the remote and select two news programs to watch. I will spend an hour or so watching the news by flipping back and forth between the two stations. With today and tomorrow being so cold I have decided not to go to the shop and work on my truck and therefore will find other ways to keep busy, mostly watching television.

What did they do before television? I can only guess. In my lifetime there has always been television. In my very first years on this earth my parents and I lived on a farm in Martinsville Indiana. I can remember the excitement that my grandparents and parents showed when the first black and white 13 inch screen television was placed in the living room. I have vague memories of just sitting with my parents and listening to a radio before the TV. During those years there were but a few channels that you could receive out in the country and on those channels there were very few shows to pick from. Even back then there were several news programs on the air. If I was good and my parents were in a good mood, I was allowed to watch some morning shows. I can remember watching Howdy Doody and another show that involved a talking star. My parents even sent off for a clear plastic sheet that they could put over the TV screen. There was a portion of the talking star show that would put dots on the screen and with that plastic cover over your television screen you could use a special marker to connect the dots and the mysterious picture would appear. I did sit and watch TV with my family who seem to enjoy variety shows that were hosted by the comedians of the day. There was even a daily show where everyone got hit in the face with a pie.

The next big exciting moment was when the television went from black and white to color. I can remember going to a girlfriend’s house her family had a 25 inch color console TV. Those TV consoles had to weigh several hundred pounds and became a large piece of furniture in the living room. The show I remember the most was Bonanza. And I faithfully watched the wide world of sports, which was the first time I ever watched snow skiing. During those years there were more and more television programs and a few more channels. There were a few families that had remote controls, but in my family whoever dad and mom selected was the remote control and they got up and turned the dial for the channels. The dial had a 13 channel selection, but there were only five channels working at that time. There was also a second dial for UHF channels, the shows are usually in black and white and I would say had a PBS theme. The best way to improve your reception was to go up to the antenna on the roof and add a reception booster to the two line antenna feed. The antenna wire ran loosely from the antenna down to a window at the house and since it was flat you could close the window on the antenna wire without breaking it. Then the antenna wire ran to the only TV in the house. That was another thing, most homes could only afford one television. During the morning hours and through lunch hours usually mom was in charge of the TV, if it was watched at all. That is when I first heard of the program General Hospital. My mom watches that show faithfully until year she passed away. But if you were good and in the good graces of mom, you could turn on the TV and watch the afternoon cartoon shows. There was even a time when I was in grade school, that I would come home from school at lunch and watch the World Series on TV. It was during the years that the New York Yankees and the LA Dodgers played in the World Series. I live close to my school so I would run home and my mom would have a TV tray sitting in front of the TV with lunch on it waiting for my arrival. I would watch as much of the game you as you can in less than an hour and run back to school.

It seemed that in the 1950s and 60s the news broadcasters were very serious. There was no laughing or bantering around by multi-speakers on the news. I believe in the beginning the reporting was solely about the story and not about any political agenda the TV station may have. Unfortunately during those years it seemed that every news man and every male character in ever show smoke cigarettes. It was almost as if you didn’t smoke you were not a man. And if you did smoke you did not use a filter and there was no menthol that was acceptable, if you were a man. It seemed that most of the commercials on the TV were sponsored by tobacco companies, beer companies and soap detergent companies. After color came to TV I was shocked to find out how white my shirt could be and bright my colors could be if I use the right detergent, I think it was Tide.

The next big move in television was the flat screen. Although the initial cost of such a TV was out of reach for most of us, they started showing up in businesses. I was amazed when I went to a sports bar and found that there were three flat screen TVs showing three different channels of the same time. It was during that time the cable TV was invented and so now every new house were plumbed with TV cable so that you could have a television in every room of the house. I thought the most inventive ones had TV outlets in the kitchen and the bathroom. It wasn’t long after that companies like DIRECTV emerged with the capability of watching TV with the help of the satellite. Then television sets started to grow the size of the screen, they also started to become smaller and more connected to a computer. I will speak about computers in my life in a different blog. I believe during this time with my choices growing I began watching a lot more television. During the years that I went to work I would only gaze at television in the morning to see what the weather was like for the day. I did not see the television again until late at night. And then with the use of the TV Guide a decision would be made as to which shows we would watch. During those years you had the time your trip to the bathroom to coincide with the length of a commercial. There was no recording during those years and so you were limited to picking one show to watch and hoped that no one beat you to the bathroom during the commercial.

The next exciting move in television was the recorder. My first experience with such a device was called TIVO. With more and more channels appearing for my selection I found the recorder help me watch one program and record another one of the same time. It always seemed to me in the past that the best shows on TV were on at the same time but on different channels. The TV show wars go on today but I have a better chance of watching my choices with the use of the recorder. It took a while for me to understand this but I no longer had to rush to the bathroom during commercials. I could just hit the hold button and take my time to go the bathroom, go by the kitchen and say hello to my wife before returning to my chair in front of the television. If there was a football game on during the time that I was at work, I could record it and watch it later. I would usually ask others not to talk to me about the game as I was going to watch it later. During the times that I was sick, which were very few, it seemed that I spent most of the day watching all the TV shows. Unfortunately they were filled with info commercials. And eventually I found a way to handle that. Just record the show and then when watching later and fast-forward through the commercials.

The price of a television is now so affordable I have three in the house and one in the shop. Two of them have recorders ( one for me and one for my wife) and the other two do not. I find myself watching the news in the morning, checking the weather during the day and watching my recorded shows at night. With all the different available channels I am now able to pick a few channels that follow my interests. For example, I can watch the velocity channel or the national geographic channel. Although there are few shows on a major national channels that I will watch or record I find the off channels more rewarding as to the information I receive.

All in all the television and the shows that it brings to us has changed my life. In some respects I get to use it as a tool. I can watch the weather and be I can be prepared for the day. I can watch some mindless TV show that makes the bad times good and affords me the opportunity just to space out. Like most men I enjoy my sports channels. During the month of January I try to watch as many football games, playoff games as possible. I don’t know how many bowl games there are, but it’s enough to fill a week of programming. And of course one of the big shows is the Super Bowl. Most people cannot afford the price of a ticket or the travel costs to go to the Super Bowl. But all of us, whether it’s in the house or at a public place like a sports bar, can enjoy the game. Of course you need to have a recorder because you do not want to miss the commercials during the Super Bowl. And unless you have a TV in the bathroom you would have to stay in front television for the many hours of the game.

This takes me back to my original thought, what did they do? Probably most families worked from sun up to sun down and were so tired after eating dinner they chatted and went to bed. I would imagine the family members were closer then and the joy of being together was heartfelt. Today if the family does eat dinner together at the dinner table there is usually a major dispersal after dinner to the different rooms that have TV.

I really don’t know what they did before TV and that this point is not important enough for me to find out. I will enjoy the blessings of my time on this earth. And I look forward to the future with great expectations of the use of things that have yet to come.

Pops

 

As I walked out on the porch this morning, I was in search of some more firewood so that when my wife awoke the house would be nice and warm. It’s her birthday and I want today to start off right.

Birthdays are a reason to smile and have fun and to reflect. The celebration of the birthday seems to follow us all of our lives. It seems that when a child is first born we celebrate every month up to the first year. Although as a small baby we do not realize what the occasion is but we enjoy all the bright colors and attention that we get and it makes us smile. As a small child our birthday celebrations begin with a party. The first parties are mostly relatives including those cousins that are about our age. They start with a simple cake which we usually grab with one of our hands and pushed it into our face. As the years keep going by we start inviting our friends, mostly from the schools we attend.AI gifts start off very small and slowly grow both in size and in price. Some of the iconic times were when you get a tricycle or bicycle. Many photographs, movies and tapes have been made of your first attempts to ride both of them. The birthday cake seems to be present and getting larger at each event. For some reason in the years of your middle teens, you’re less likely to want a birthday celebration at home with family. And you’re more likely to want to go somewhere else and celebrate with your friends. Some of the friends are people that your parents do not like and so the celebration has to be away from the house. From the time you’re very small to the time you’re very old, you seem to want to be at the other place (older or younger) in your life. For example as you’re growing up at each birthday someone would say you becoming a big boy or you are big boy. Then as you go into your early teens you couldn’t wait to turn 16. For most of us that was the day you got a license to drive a car. This is usually another much remembered birthday. For those of us who do not have a lot of money, it was the day that mom and dad let you drive the car. Maybe even the first day you get to drive the car by yourself. This first taste of real freedom lives on in your memory until you no longer have one. Someone will still make you a birthday cake and put candles on it. At that age you’re more excited about going to the pizza place and eating pizza all your friends. Then through your teenage years each birthday brought you closer to the age of 18. For some of us was the first time you could vote. For others it was a time for graduation. And if you are lucky enough to go to college and you got to live on campus, another taste of freedom. For others is the first time you could apply for a job and make the same salary as an adult. This meant that you could buy some of your own presents on your birthday, presents you really wanted. The next big birthday was when you turned 21. Usually by this time you did not live at home with your parents and family. So this was an occasion for you to get together with family, including the opportunity for you to have a drink with the adults in the family. For one of my sons, I actually took him to a casino. As the years go on you enjoy your birthday by either gathering with the family or going on a trip, such as snow skiing. You could have went on your first cruise or a road trip with friends to place you had never been before. During by this time you’ve hooked up with a significant other and there is a new special feeling when you and that person celebrate your birthdays. As you progress into your 30s and if you’re lucky enough to have children, you start focusing on your kid’s birthday and less on yours. Of course the big birthday that is not looked upon as a good one is when you turn 30 years old. For many of us were supposed to be successful millionaires doing whatever we wanted to as long as it wasn’t what our folks had done. During our 30s our birthdays would fall on workdays and therefore the whole day was not dedicated to the birthday, so when you got home there was that birthday cake and a card or two for the celebration. When you were in your 20s you partied till the late hours of the day, in your 30s you are usually in bed before midnight. These are the first years that you begin to lose your fitness and youthful appearance and start considering going to the gym and cosmetic surgery. And then comes the 40th birthday and you say to yourself, I cannot be this old. And it depends upon the tradition of your family as to when you get all the black balloons on your 40th birthday or on your 50th birthday.  During all those years between 40 and 50 you do not know if you are excited about your birthday but usually your family or your significant other would do all they could to make you celebrate the day and enjoy it whether you want to or not.

Celebrating another year on this earth is really good thing. It does give you the opportunity to review the last year and make plans for the next year. You have the opportunity to look at where you’ve been and what you’ve done and be proud or not. It also is an opportunity for those around you, especially family, who care about you, to make you feel good. And as usual the birthday cake is there, but instead of 30 or 40 candles there are two candles shaped in the numbers of your birthdays on top. It seems to me that every birthday, whether I want to celebrate it or not, brings a smile to my face during that day. The fact that those around you find it important enough to celebrate this day really does make you feel good.

Now that I’m in my 60s I do celebrate my birthday and look forward to it. Not that I enjoy getting older but I am excited about living another year. My next big birthday will when I turn 70. I know in my mind I want to get there without the use of a walker or an electric chair. And I’ve had the opportunity to look around and see many men and women in their 70s still enjoying life to its fullest. So I fully expect to turn 70 and be active enough to enjoy the day.

This blog began with the announcement that is my wife’s, Gladys, birthday.

If I could sing on paper I would, not to the pleasure many people around me, but to help celebrate her birthday. My thought today is –HAPPY BIRTHDAY GLADYS (aka Petunia).

Pops

As I walked out on the porch this morning, I watched the clouds roll through as they rode the wind from South to North. It was as if they were clinging on to the wind for a fast ride north. After a time of enjoying the view from my porch I was reminded that I needed to find some more wood for the fireplace.

As I’ve mentioned before I am happy to have a tree farm. And so I headed out to locate some already down trees to cut up for firewood. On several parts of the property you can see a series of clinging vines that stretched from the ground to almost the top of the trees. It is easy to spot them during the wintertime as the leaves of the vines are green. The leaves on the trees that have not already fallen off are brown. It is important to remove these clinging vines as they suck the life out of the tree by depriving it from the sunshine. Many vines like poison ivy grow on the side of the tree and almost blend in with the tree’s bark. It doesn’t take long for the vine to grow and soon its leaves cover the leaves of the tree preventing the tree from the rays of the sun and slowly the tree dies. Therefore I’m not a fan of clinging vines.

There are people in my world who are just like clinging vines. I am always amazed how someone who does not work or contribute to society continues to exist. They cling onto someone, some program or some organization to continue to exist. I realize that there are people who do try hard to get by but are unable to do so. I believe the good people, programs and organizations are there to help those folks. But there seems to be a large number of people who take advantage of the good people, programs and organizations. For example programs like; food stamps, federal housing, welfare and unemployment checks. I often hear that the unemployment statistics grow each year for people that have given up on looking for a job. I asked myself how to they exist. They exist off of good people who offer a helping hand and end up as a permanent part of the clinging vines life. The clinging vine will live or exist without contributing to society or working at a job. Many times it is a relative the finds a family member that need support they will help the clinging vines without any help from the vine. A good example would be adult children still living at home. Their moms still make their meals wash their cloths and give them money to be able to have an active life outside the home. Some of the children become professional students while others are comfortable just living at home and playing with their friends as they wish.

I believe that there are a lot of couples and families who take advantage of the good organizations such as; churches, homeless centers and the Red Cross. I found out while working the streets of Los Angeles that there was a whole population of people who survive for years on homeless centers and churches. If they needed it (LA has a mild climate) the homeless centers, Salvation Army, the Red Cross, the YMCA and other local locations, would provide a place to sleep and food to eat. I would commonly see local churches driving in vans. They were giving out blankets or clothing to those that wanted it, and they would provide transportation to local unemployment centers or medical centers. Many times if you go to an emergency center on a regular basis you’ll discover the same faces in the waiting room that have learned to use the system for their medical needs. At first I thought if I could just talk to these people maybe I could find out why they were on the streets and help them. Although I got to a few, most of them refuse my help and stated that they would rather not work and live on the streets. My original vision of a homeless person was a decaying old man or woman pushing a shopping cart while fighting drug or alcohol abuse. And there are those people out there, but I found even more people between the ages of 20 and 42 who seemed to be in good health and mentally stable using the existing system to live. There were the occasional couples with children who after a year or so on the street found a permanent way to live there. Usually, they used the help of an organization or church.

So far I’ve only mentioned issues in a large city. While moving to the country I found another subculture that seems to survive off of the kindness of others while not working or trying to help. They live in the outbuildings, abandon houses and the single wide mobile homes that were previously abandoned. In the rural area churches and people seem to be the biggest helpers. The good people, usually a parent or relative, allow others to live on the property for free and they usually provide for other needs. Things like food and clothing. I am amazed at the number of people who live off of the kindness of others. I know that many people feel that those people in need have no alternative. These clinging vines slowly suck the life out of those who support them. At one point I felt that the good people supporting the clinging vines were as guilty as those vines. Those good people do have a love for the children, their relatives and for mankind and they are not to blame.

Does that mean I think that when we see a person on the corner holding a bucket or sign asking for help that we should just pass by? No, but I think we ought to look at what they’re representing. I get angry at what seemed to be a healthy man standing near an interstate on-ramp, with a sign asking for money and stating that he is a disabled veteran. I’m a disabled veteran and there are programs to help those men and women. They choose not to use them and would rather live off of the good intentions of those around them. I also do not like seeing a young man or woman standing on the corner with the child with a sign that says “I need money please help.” I believe if they would look at the good people organizations and churches they would at least find help for their child, instead they use the child to tug at your heartstrings to give them money for nothing.

I know that there are some professional beggars make a good living out of finding a way of getting people to give them money for nothing. I also know that there are many people living in federal housing who believe that it is their right to live off the government without giving back in some fashion. Some families actually live in the same projects for generation after generation. There found a way to use the system and because there are a few poster children out there that really need the help, these clinging vines continue to exist.

So to finish this blog it should be easy to see that I do not like, appreciate or support clinging vines. I believe that these clinging vines do not really care about the people who help them. They justify their in their minds their existence. They will continue to suck the life out of those who support them. Many large cities find themselves in financial trouble because of the existing programs that are misused by the clinging vines.

So do I have an answer? I do, use the existing laws on the books and start to enforce action against those who misuse those programs. This is not a popular view. Because every time and effort is made by an agency, a church or employer; all you would see on the news is this poor person crying that it is unfair to take anything away from them. Not that they deserved it but now you’re taking it away. Lately I watch the news for a complete village of homeless people who appeared more healthy than not sitting  lawn chairs who had moved on to a railroad owned property. And after many efforts by the railroad to get them to vacate the area the railroad company had to go to a court and get an eviction order. In both cities and in the country I’m sure you’ve seen an abandoned house which suddenly is occupied but not by its owners. Once the squatters are on the location the owner has to suffer the cost and complications of getting the squatters, clinging vines, off the property. It usually doesn’t take long for the person being evicted to bring in some kind of side issue such as race, religion and ethnic background as a reason for the eviction. In fact it is simply that they have taken over property that does not belong to them and usually continues to destroy it. When these homes with the clinging vines get established in a neighborhood, the neighborhood suffers and many times completely dissolves.

So beware of the clinging vine, they may come to you disguised as your child, a relative or just a person in need. The clinging vine, once established, is a hard thing to get rid of. This will take strong conviction and tough love to either change the vines attitudes to become a productive person or to cut off helping the vine. Neither option is easy. But if you become an enabler the clinging vine will slowly suck the sunshine and life from you. And eventually both the clinging vine will die because the host tree will disappear.

 This is just a thought I’m sharing with you. Good luck.

Pops

 

 

As I walked out on the porch this morning, to get some wood for the fireplace in the house, I was once again greeted by winter’s cold breath. So after gathering some wood I went back into the warm house. Luckily for me the wood was dry and the fire started quickly which allow the fireplace to bring the warm heat into the cold living room. While doing so my wife, who was searching Facebook to keep up with our many family members, informed me that my Aunt Lucille had past way. She lived to be 95 years old and what I most remember about her was that she made me feel like a person and always spoke of forgiveness.

She and my father seem to, every 10 years, have some sort of a fight over some miniscule thing. It was my Aunt Lucille who always seemed to be first to forgive my dad and worked to reestablish communication between the two families. Aunt Lucille always seemed to me to be a free spirit. During the years that I was around my Aunt Lucille she always seemed happy. This always amazed me as her husband, Uncle Lester, always seemed serious and unhappy. Even as a 17-year-old I enjoy going to my aunt’s house just to visit with her and get her view on the different things in life. She seemed to know that her views would not always be accepted or appreciated by her family and community around her. But she also preached about forgiveness and that she found it best to forgive those around her rather than dwell on the disputed subject matter.

More and more I watch a television interview of a family who has lost a family member, like a son or daughter, and announced that they had forgiven the person that had taken their loved one away. I also watched the story of Nelson Mandela as he preached forgiveness. Forgiveness seems to be a tool that can help anyone get on with their life without the burden of the negative thoughts of an issue or person. I know that many religions also preached forgiveness and I can remember the passage, “Forgive those who trespass against you”.

For some reason I find it very hard to find that tool of forgiveness, even though I believe it would help me get along in life. It is not in my nature or in my mind that makes forgiveness hard for me to practice. I believe that I meet a person or a situation for the first time with a positive outlook. But if that person or situation develops into a negative memory, I find it very hard to forget or forgive. My inability to accept the person or situation with all of its faults as well as always positives, has made me a hard and coldhearted man. Unfortunately, for me if you cross a certain line I seem to be unable to forget or forgive. I seem to hold it against the person or situation for very long time. It does not matter to me if you’re family, a friend, or just a person I met for the first time. Forgiveness does not seem to flow in my life as it does others. I have a great example of a person who can forgive in my house, my wife. She holds many the same convictions and views that I do, but within a period of time she finds a way to forgive people or situation.

I must say that until I was sixty years old I found it hard to show any emotion, especially forgiveness. I believe I’ve done many good things in my life, but they are intertwined with moments and actions that were not good. During my life there been many people that have found it in their hearts to forgive me for my actions. I even find it hard to believe that I’ve been forgiven and many times seem not to accept the forgiveness I have received. During the last two years I have started to question my unwavering stance on forgiveness. But at the end of the day I cannot find a way to give forgiveness to those people or situations that I have decided to never forgive.

For example, the men that went to Canada rather than be drafted into the Army during the Viet Nam war are traitors in my mind. I can never forgive them. Child molesters and wife beaters are people that I can never forgive. A person like Eric Snowden, someone I never met but I feel is a traitor, I can never forgive. Family members that chose a certain lifestyle or were abusive to their own family members, I can never forgive. And that does not mean that I would single out these people and hold a sign over their head so that everyone else see them as I do. Nor does it mean I would spend a life trying to punish those who I cannot forgive. It means that I carry a weight that I cannot forgive. I think mentally I argue with myself about forgiveness. But in my soul I find it impossible to just forgive and let go. Even today there are people within my family and in the general public that I will never forgive. Even though my Aunt Lucille and my wife would prefer that I forgive those around me, I cannot. And so I live an almost normal life by experiencing the forgiveness of those around me.

There’s a part of me that says, like Popeye, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am”. And so to my family I thank you for your forgiveness and I also thank you for allowing me to be who I am.

Pops

As I walked out on the porch this morning, hot coffee in hand, I was once again met by bitter cold weather. I told myself; my advice to me is to go back into the house. And my thought was it is better to be warm and active than cold and bundled up.

This brings me to the topic of the day. Do I use advice or do I just relate thought when talking to others about situations or events in their lives? I know that when I was in my 20s I was full of advice. Even though I did not think I had all the answers I certainly had advice to give to everyone. The problem with advice is that it is built on the premise that the giver of the advice is right in his or her views. Advice may be cheap but it is usually given with serious consideration to help the poor person who’s receiving the advice.

And my 30s it was easy to give advice on how to stay slim and be healthy and still drink beer. I was full of advice for those people I arrested. While waiting to be processed the poor arrestee would get an earful of my advice, like don’t do drugs or quit smoking, such jewels as, learn to control your anger or stop feeling sorry for yourself. These bits of advice rolled out on a regular basis. As if the person I was talking to had not already heard those bits of advice or already knew what to do.

In my 40s I started to realize that all those preconceived ideas I had about people in life came into question. As one arrestee put it to me, “well isn’t that just white of you”. This was after I just given him some advice on how to get out of the projects and into a job. By this time in my life I had experienced the surprise that I was not always right. Statements like- “if it hurts when you do that don’t do that” -were so lame. Advice that I thought was surely common sense came into question of, what is common sense. Being able to work in a city of multicultural and environments, helped me come to realization that what is common in one area is not in another.

 In my 50s and 60s I realized that it was time to quit giving out advice and it was time to open up and tell people my thoughts. The nice part about the thoughts is that it is your thought and you and everyone has a right to their own thoughts. Thoughts are not necessarily right but they open up the possibility of a different answer to the same question. When I first started this blog I wanted to make sure that somewhere in the title the term thought was present. That way I felt that I was not telling somebody what to do or whether they were right or wrong, but giving them my thoughts on a situation.

I received a phone call from my oldest son, who now is 44 years old, and we had a long conversation without my need to give him advice. I’m proud of my son and his family and the last thing they need right now is some advice from pops. When giving advice it sounds like the person giving the advice knows what’s right and wrong but the person receiving advice does not. I am sure that my son has followed the same path as I. That is of giving advice in his earlier years and not expressing his thoughts in middle-age. Yes son I said middle-age. As I spoke to him on the phone I told him that our next father to son talk would probably be about Social Security. We both laughed and went on with our conversation.

So today’s thought was about giving advice. You may be a person who feels that when you give somebody advice it is in an effort to help them, not to judge them. So I ask you to reflect on when others were giving you advice, particularly when they did not understand the situation you were in. As they got older they were supposed to have some wisdom. I believe you should try to pass on your thoughts on what matters to you. I am positive that all the advice I gave in my life was not always right or correct. But I feel better now that I express a thought; you can listen to it, you can act on it, you can laugh at it and you can throw it away. It is just a thought. The weight of a thought as noble as freedom can move a person to do great and unusual things. Not all thoughts a great or noble. However they should be expressed and created to be used anywhere you want.

Pops

 

As I walked out on the porch this morning I was greeted by another very cold blast of air and the thought that this is a new year. What does it mean to you and to me? As I have gotten older the years seem to melt together. There really doesn’t seem to be a difference between what’s going on in the December before the New Year and the January after that. But it seems that every year people around the globe find time to celebrate the New Year. Traditionally it is celebrated with fireworks complemented by music, celebrities, different drinks with hugs and kisses from friends and strangers at midnight. It’s been years since I’ve gone to New Year’s Eve party. I used to say that New Year’s Eve was a time when amateurs started drinking early and many did not make it to midnight. It seems to me that many people seem to say “love you man” while sliding off into the abyss of an alcoholic snap.

Most New Year’s Eve I’m asleep by about 10 or 11 o’clock at night. Last night, even though I live in the country far from any parties, I was awakened by the sound of an explosion, or in this case, fireworks. Even though it’s been years since I been in battle, the sound of a large explosion still makes me jump and look for cover. I’m not sure how the tradition of fireworks or loud noises found its way into the New Year’s Eve celebration. Even as a young man my parents would go out on the back porch at midnight and uses wooden spoon to bang on pots and pans and yell to the open-air, Happy New Year.

There is a new importance to the New Year for me. Since I am retired and have to live off of what I’ve saved, I have to choose when I take funds out of my retirement accounts so they do not go over a certain level of income. I have to wait until the New Year before think of taking money out of a retirement account. Sometimes I feel like a kid waiting for my birthday so that I can get a gift or buy something with my birthday money. The New Year also marks the date when I start working on the deductible amount for insurance and with my insurance plan, I will be able to go to an eye doctor.

I do admit that the ideal that on a given day you have a fresh start to your life is a good thing. For some people just waking up in the morning and getting out of bed is their fresh start. New Year’s Day is the time to think of what you want to happen in the near future. This New Year’s I did not make any resolutions. I plan to enjoy my time with my wife and family and stay healthy so I can enjoy the next New Year’s Day.

It seems to me that the evils of life do not just to disappear on New Year’s Day. But the focus on New Year’s is usually a positive one. Hope seems to grow and despair seems to diminish. The bright and smiling faces that you see on the street or on television, announce that hope is here and strong again. On this day I find myself full of hope and excited about the immediate future. I want to enjoy the environment around me while exploring the mysteries of that environment. My thoughts today include hope and are selfishly pointed in my direction. I know that there are people and places out there that need help, which never seems to diminish. But I also believe that before I can be of help to anyone else I must be strong and happy myself. I’ve always said that a person must be solid before that person can really be effective in helping others. So be strong and prosper.

Happy New Year                  Pops