The Look!

 

As I walked out on the porch this morning it was for a different reason. I went to start a fire in the fireplace and the wood was still wet and so within seconds the house was filled with smoke. I’ve had this problem before and so I’ll already had a large fan stationed at the front window on the porch. So I opened the window at the back of the house and then one of the front of the house located near the fan so that I could blow the smoke out of the house. Of course it’s less than 32° here and the house is getting really cold fast. But I know that within 10 minutes the house will be clear again. I know that I should use dry wood to start my fire. But I guess I’m in a sleepy mode and did not check it this morning. As a matter of fact I’m more in a moody mode. This is something that I fight with my PTSD. I don’t know when I will become overly sensitive to the things around me. And unfortunately my wife is around me all the time. So when I get into this mode she is the one that is also affected by it. Today’s thought is about.” The look”.

I’m sure that most of you know what I mean when I say the look. Usually, at least one of your parents or grandparents had a way to express their thoughts using just the look. The look is a way of communication used by many people. It is a way of communicating without saying a word. For me, I was the one in the family that had the look. My children all knew that if I looked at them a certain way it was bad news. As a police officer I would use the look, all the time. Many times as I was either interviewing a victim or talking to a suspect, I used the look.  You would be amazed how person being interviewed would change her story just by giving them a certain look (the look). I think sometimes you can carry on a whole conversation without words just by using the look. I’m sure that when you were in school, usually in the elementary grades, there was a teacher or coach who was able to communicate to you by the use of the look. I think the champion of the look at my school was the librarian. In my case she was probably 50 years old and wore thick rimmed glasses. And if you were in the library and being loud she would give you the look and you immediately got quiet. Even among strangers there are certain looks the can be used to express your thoughts. I believe the most extreme look are the ones that try to tell somebody you are about to cry. I know when it comes to my wife; I can be stopped in my tracks if she starts the look that says she is going to cry. Even my dogs have a particular expression or look on their faces when trying to communicate with me. You know what I mean, that sad eyed look when you tell them not to do something. Or when you have two pets and one is getting attention and the other one isn’t, the one that isn’t will give you that sad look. It doesn’t take long before you paid attention to the second pet as well.

But today I bring up the thought of the look because I use it today. I have fought long and hard to control my emotions. I used to be quick to say something when things around me did not go the way I thought they would. I believe you might say I lack any tact. Or I was just being brutally honest. I really fought to control my expressions or the look in the last 15 years. Sometimes someone will say something and without really processing what I just heard, I will give them the look. As time has gone on it is more like a reflex action rather than an expression of a thought. This morning when the living room filled with smoke my wife came to me for help. After addressing the smoke in the living room I thought I should open another window. My wife in a normal tone and without any malice of forethought, told me not to open the window and things would be fine. Without even thinking I gave her the look. The look as if I was angry that she said something. This was again a reflex action rather that I thought I had control on. Immediately upon receiving the look she reacted and told me to go ahead with whatever I was doing and she would take care of the window. Immediately, I knew that I had hurt her feelings or even worse pissed her off. I went on to what I had been previously doing. And then this heavy feeling of guilt hit my chest. I’ve had this feeling before, most of my young adult life I heard something that I didn’t want to hear and I would immediately respond with the look. During those days I would also add some kind of a nasty comment. I think during those days I hurt a lot of people’s feelings and I did not recognize it then. Talking to my doctors I am told that this is part of the symptoms of PTSD. It is like when I start to feel depressed. I do not see it coming, it is like I just walked around the corner and walked into a wall of depression. Today, I will apologize to my wife for my actions. And I’m sure, as she has in the past, she will understand. My bigger concern is my quick use of the look again.

I am sure you can relate to this story by looking around you and remembering those people that use the look. I do not believe that everybody can be so affected by using the look. Some people just look silly trying to use the look. But I’m sure you know someone if not yourself who effective communicates their thoughts by just using the look.

Pops