As I walked out on the porch this morning, to get some wood for the fireplace in the house, I was once again greeted by winter’s cold breath. So after gathering some wood I went back into the warm house. Luckily for me the wood was dry and the fire started quickly which allow the fireplace to bring the warm heat into the cold living room. While doing so my wife, who was searching Facebook to keep up with our many family members, informed me that my Aunt Lucille had past way. She lived to be 95 years old and what I most remember about her was that she made me feel like a person and always spoke of forgiveness.
She and my father seem to, every 10 years, have some sort of a fight over some miniscule thing. It was my Aunt Lucille who always seemed to be first to forgive my dad and worked to reestablish communication between the two families. Aunt Lucille always seemed to me to be a free spirit. During the years that I was around my Aunt Lucille she always seemed happy. This always amazed me as her husband, Uncle Lester, always seemed serious and unhappy. Even as a 17-year-old I enjoy going to my aunt’s house just to visit with her and get her view on the different things in life. She seemed to know that her views would not always be accepted or appreciated by her family and community around her. But she also preached about forgiveness and that she found it best to forgive those around her rather than dwell on the disputed subject matter.
More and more I watch a television interview of a family who has lost a family member, like a son or daughter, and announced that they had forgiven the person that had taken their loved one away. I also watched the story of Nelson Mandela as he preached forgiveness. Forgiveness seems to be a tool that can help anyone get on with their life without the burden of the negative thoughts of an issue or person. I know that many religions also preached forgiveness and I can remember the passage, “Forgive those who trespass against you”.
For some reason I find it very hard to find that tool of forgiveness, even though I believe it would help me get along in life. It is not in my nature or in my mind that makes forgiveness hard for me to practice. I believe that I meet a person or a situation for the first time with a positive outlook. But if that person or situation develops into a negative memory, I find it very hard to forget or forgive. My inability to accept the person or situation with all of its faults as well as always positives, has made me a hard and coldhearted man. Unfortunately, for me if you cross a certain line I seem to be unable to forget or forgive. I seem to hold it against the person or situation for very long time. It does not matter to me if you’re family, a friend, or just a person I met for the first time. Forgiveness does not seem to flow in my life as it does others. I have a great example of a person who can forgive in my house, my wife. She holds many the same convictions and views that I do, but within a period of time she finds a way to forgive people or situation.
I must say that until I was sixty years old I found it hard to show any emotion, especially forgiveness. I believe I’ve done many good things in my life, but they are intertwined with moments and actions that were not good. During my life there been many people that have found it in their hearts to forgive me for my actions. I even find it hard to believe that I’ve been forgiven and many times seem not to accept the forgiveness I have received. During the last two years I have started to question my unwavering stance on forgiveness. But at the end of the day I cannot find a way to give forgiveness to those people or situations that I have decided to never forgive.
For example, the men that went to Canada rather than be drafted into the Army during the Viet Nam war are traitors in my mind. I can never forgive them. Child molesters and wife beaters are people that I can never forgive. A person like Eric Snowden, someone I never met but I feel is a traitor, I can never forgive. Family members that chose a certain lifestyle or were abusive to their own family members, I can never forgive. And that does not mean that I would single out these people and hold a sign over their head so that everyone else see them as I do. Nor does it mean I would spend a life trying to punish those who I cannot forgive. It means that I carry a weight that I cannot forgive. I think mentally I argue with myself about forgiveness. But in my soul I find it impossible to just forgive and let go. Even today there are people within my family and in the general public that I will never forgive. Even though my Aunt Lucille and my wife would prefer that I forgive those around me, I cannot. And so I live an almost normal life by experiencing the forgiveness of those around me.
There’s a part of me that says, like Popeye, “I am what I am and that’s all that I am”. And so to my family I thank you for your forgiveness and I also thank you for allowing me to be who I am.
Pops
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